BS no jutsu
by SuperLardBucket
Summary: This is a Naruto fan-fiction that parodies Naruto fan-fictions. Naruto must go on a mission to fight ninjas, but is distracted from Hinata freaking out at him. no actual pairings. rated T for sex-jokes, jokes, mild-moderate cursing, and violence
1. Chapter 1: That doesn't go in there

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything associated with Naruto. When I say I do not own Naruto, I refer to the anime/mange, not the little crackers you put in ramen, though to be fair, I do not own those either. The following is a fan-based parody/fan-fiction of Naruto set a short while before the Sasuke retrieval arc. Without further ado, I present the first fan-fiction ever written by roflcopter productions. ROFLCOPTER!!

Ninpou: B.S. no jutsu

Chapter 1: That doesn't go in there..

"_Mmm…"_ mumbled the boy, "_Oh yeah… that's the stuff… Oh Sakura… keep doing that… keep feeding me that… Ichiraku ramen with the extra pork… and 3 different types of rice… oh, and keep doing that thing with your tongue…" _The boy continued to dream on in delight, not realizing that someone was in the room with him…

"Grrrrr…. Na-ru-TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

"AAAAAAHHH!!"

"YOU SICK LITTLE PERV! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!"

"Believe it!! Uh-oh… Sorry Sakura-Chan, force of habit… No, not the face, NOT THE FACE!!"

POW!! If he wasn't awake already, Naruto was certainly awake after the forceful blow he was coming to accept as a part of his existence… and also kind of be turned on by, as weird as it made him feel… "Damn it! We're barely into the fan-fiction and already I'm attracted to something weird…" Naruto thought to himself. He got up and stretched, a little more rigorously now that Sakura was here. It used to be that would have just caused a slight ripple effect, but not anymore. Since becoming a genin, the lowest ninja rank, Naruto had actually put on some muscle. He wasn't exactly one of those big huge body-builders, but he had a six-pack and he was proud of it. He didn't really care about being a big body-builder since 84 of women aren't attracted to them and that probably included Sakura. "Then again, 84 of body-builders aren't attracted to women," he would often tell himself. He brushed his trademark spiky, blond hair and motioned for Sakura to turn around as he changed into his trademark orange jumpsuit. "I should have just left you alone Naruto," Sakura said after managing to calm herself, taking the opportunity to fix her hair in the mirror, wondering once again why it was pink. "I didn't have to come here and wake you up; I could have just let you be late for training…" Naruto responded, "Yeah, I'd hate to be late for waiting 5 hours for Kakashi-sensei to show up… "CAN IT!!" She screamed. He was already off to a bad start this morning, and he didn't want to push her any further. "Yes ma'am!!"

Naruto was really beginning to get sick of his humdrum life. The most exciting thing happening to him as of late was the occasional filler arc. Other than performing random missions that had nothing to do with the actual plot, Naruto didn't do much more 

than eat, sleep, train, and get punched in the face. In fact, getting punched in the face had become the high point of his day, mostly due to the brief moment between impact and pain where the sheer force caused him to become temporarily high. Pretty colors… Where was I going with this..? Oh yeah, Naruto was just bored… But little did he suspect that his boring life was about to get a lot more exciting

Sakura had to stop at her house because she forgot her kunai (Though Naruto didn't know why she needed them since she never did anything EVER!!) so Naruto was forced to go to the training field alone. When he got there, he found a familiar face waiting for him. It was none other than his eternal rival. Naruto recognized him from his intense eyes, fan symbol on his back, and that hair that resembled a chicken's butt, but for some reason, still drove the ladies and Sakura wild. And as if being loved by everyone in town, this kid even had the nerve to think he was stronger than Naruto. Sure, Naruto used to be a goof-up, but he was strong now, much stronger than his rival. If there was one thing Naruto knew, it was that he was way stronger than-

"Sasuke… What are you doing here, you jerk!?"

"I'm here for training too you idiot. We're on the same squad, remember?"

"Don't remind me…"

"Shut up loser. That's my line"

"Sasuke!!"

"Naruto!!"

"Quiet both of you" they suddenly heard. They looked around and finally saw who had said that. He was standing in a tree, as he often was, reading the latest installment of "Make-out Paradise". His hair was, as always, silver and standing at twice the size of his actual head. If anything else was different about his appearance, Naruto would never have know, as his teacher always wore a full body suit with a protection vest and a mask, so that the only part of his body actually visible was his hair and his right eye.

"Kakashi-Sensei!! For once you're not the last one here!!"

"Kakashi…"

"I already said Kakashi-Sensei Sasuke! You don't have to call him Kakashi too!!"

"Shut up Naruto! I would be happy if you died!!"

"Grrrrr!"

"Grrrrr!"

Naruto and Sasuke instantly turned away from each other fuming about their most recent battle of wits, if you could call it that. Suddenly, Sasuke turned back to Naruto. "Naruto, I like that jumpsuit on you, it's so cute how tight it fits… DAMMIT!! ONCE!! JUST ONCE, I'D LIKE A FAN-FICTION WHERE I AM NOT FLAMBOYANTLY GAY!!" Naruto and Kakashi just stared at him. Finally Sakura showed up and broke the silence. "Sasuke! OMG, you look so cute today!!" To which Sasuke responded, "Get away from me… Oh my God, I want to kill you so bad!!" "He's so dreamy…" was all Sakura could manage to say.

Naruto was practically about to explode… He hated Sasuke with a passion normally reserved for the hating anime fans feel for 4kids. Naruto never did anything, but everyone hated him just for having that demon that attack the village 12 years ago, known as "The Kyuubi" or "9-tailed Fox" and as hard as Naruto tried he couldn't get anyone to accept him as a person beyond the ninja he had come to call friends, meanwhile, Sasuke was a complete jerk to everyone and an arrogant douche-bag, but everyone loved him. Even Sakura, the girl of his dreams, loved Sasuke, who was constantly berating her and yelling at her and hurting her.

He couldn't take it anymore. He had to say something. "Sasuke, you-!!" But before he could say anything he might regret later, Kakashi interrupted. "Calm down Naruto, a ninja always keeps a cool head." Naruto listened immediately and took a deep breath. Kakashi knew that mentioning anything ninja was a good way to get Naruto to calm down. After all, Naruto's dream was to become the Hokage, the highest ranking ninja of his home: The Village Hidden in the Leaves, due to the amount of respect associated with such a position, respect being what Naruto craved most. This required being the ideal ninja. So, Kakashi knew that mentioning ninja-ness was a good way to get Naruto to rein in his hyper-activeness…

"Good job, now then, onto training. Today, I'm going to teach you how to reverse the flow of blood in an enemy's circulatory system, causing them to have a violent and fatal case of diarrhea, after which, they'll be lucky to have any bones left…" Naruto listened as intently as he could, but eventually, the ADD proved to be too strong. His mind drifted back to his dream of Hokage. He wished with all of his heart that there was one person who believed in him, so that he could stop saying "Believe it" all the time.

Little did he know that there was someone like that. Not only that, she was watching him right now. She was hiding behind a tree, peeking out through the leaves trying to get a peek of the man she admired. Her dark hair perfectly complemented her silver eyes and her Eskimo coat hid a beautifully endowed body, especially for her age. She loved that spiky blond hair and those big innocent blue eyes. She loved that goofy smile that stretched from ear to ear. But most of all, she loved how no matter how tough things got, Naruto never gave up, never lost hope, never let it get him down. She envied that confidence so much and wished she could be more like him, just enough to tell him how she felt. Then she wouldn't have to spy on him like this, but she decided to be that confident as she turned around, wiped away a tear and sighed out.

"Naruto-kun…"

_It's Hinata for those of you too retarded to figure it out. I know that chances are if someone is reading a Naruto fan-fiction, then they probably don't need the characters and story set up like this, but it's just a habit of mine I developed writing with my own original characters that I would feel uncomfortable breaking. I decided to start writing fan-fiction as a way of expressing myself and my love of anime without having to deal with all of those anime-flaggers on Youtube, where I post most of my writing in the form of youtube videos made by myself and Southpaw079: The co-founder of Roflcopter productions and artist behind my first series, which will probably always be my favorite: SuperJames. If you like this chapter/story and want to see more of my writing but don't care that we don't have anyone with any artistic skill on the team, then click on over to youtube and check it out. In chapter 2, Naruto and Hinata go to hang out at Ichiraku Ramen, when Hinata snaps and loses control of her inhibitions. Naruto suddenly realizes the truth about Hinata's feelings for him, but they don't have time to sink in as they are suddenly sent out on a mission of the upmost priority. The fate of the ninja world hangs in the balance and only the world's Number One, Hyperactive, Knucklehead Ninja can save the ninja day…. Ninja… Take care, thanks for reading, leave reviews with CONSTRUCTIVE criticism… and God bless you all…_


	2. Chapter 2: The mission is clear!

Chapter 2: The mission is clear.

"All right, that is some kick-ass training," Naruto thought to himself, "Hell yeah! Kick-ass!! … Damn it, I'm lonely…" Naruto was depressed he needed something exciting to happen. All of a sudden…

THUD

Naruto turned to see Hinata lying at the base of a tree. She was rubbing her bum where she had landed and appeared to be in quite a bit of pain. Naruto quickly ran to her side.

"Hinata!! Are you okay!?"

"Oh… um… uh… I-I-I-I I am… I mean… yes?"

"What were you doing in that tree?"

"Um… uh… I… was… sort of… watching… birds?

"Oh, but why do you have those binoculars"

"The birds… were… far away…"

"And what about that kunai"

"O-one of… the… birds… made me angry..?

"And who carved 'Naruto is so freaking sexy, I want to strip him down and rub olive oil all over his naked body'?"

"…Sasuke…"

"Well, we are in a fan-fic… Anyway, I was just on my way to get some ramen… Mmm… Ramen… Anyway, do you want to come? "

"Um… uh… I… um… oh… I… I was actually… about to…go home, what I mean is…"

"Great! Let's go!" said Naruto, who was unknowingly dragging an unconscious Hinata to lunch.

Later at Ichiraku, Naruto was happily slurping away at his yummy delicious ramen. He was also enjoying those little crackers that came with them, though he didn't know what they were called… "Man, I thought I liked ramen Hinata, but you're really chowing down there. It kind of reminds me of how Akamaru eats." Little did Naruto realize that Hinata was actually still unconscious from earlier and that she was not eating 

the ramen, but had actually fallen over into it and was currently in the process of drowning in a sea of pork and broth. Only when she inhaled a noodle did she wake up.

GASP

"What!? What's wrong?"

" I… um…. I… really love ramen…"

"Obviously…"

Hinata tried to calm herself down and remember what happened. She realized that Naruto must have dragged her here while she had passed out, thinking she was awake. "Great, I'm so quiet, he can't tell when I'm asleep or awake." Then it hit Hinata. She must have been out for a good hour with Naruto talking to her, meaning there was a one-hour window in which her relationship with Naruto may have developed. There was a window of time in which she was dead to the world and who knew how much could have happened in that time!! For all she knew, she was on a date with him!! "Calm down Hinata," she thought to herself, "You have to stay calm… This is your one chance. Please, just don't do anything stupid!!" She opened her mouth, expecting to say, "So how have things been going lately?" What actually came out was, "WHEN I THINK OF YOU I TOUCH MYSELF!!"

"O.O"

"OO"

"Damn it!!" she thought to herself. "STUPID!! STUPID!! STUPID!!" she screamed as she banged her head into the table as hard as she could. She then turned to Naruto, about to apologize. Considering what happened, Naruto was actually handling the situation a lot more calmly than most people would have. He was just sitting there, staring at Hinata with a completely blank look on his face. He could see her frantically screaming something at him, seeming very worried, but he couldn't really hear anything except for his own heartbeat, which was growing progressively faster. Hinata then watched in horror as their roles were reversed. Naruto slowly turned back to the table, finished off the remainder of his noodle broth, then passed out.

When Naruto came to, he saw Sakura, Sasuke, and Hinata standing over him. Hinata was freaking out, "WHAT HAVE I DONE!?" "Calm down," Sakura said, "He's just passed out… I think he may need mouth to mouth resuscitation…" "_YES!!"_ Naruto screamed inside his mind, keeping his eyes closed. He opened it slightly, expecting to see Sakura. Instead, he saw Sasuke.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" Naruto screamed at the top of his lungs…

"Oh, I wanted to feel Naruto's hot breath in my throat… DAMN IT!! STOP DOING THAT TO ME!!" Sasuke said. Everyone then looked at him smiling nervously in the manner one would around a mentally unstable friend with an axe. Naruto then decided to break the silence. "So, why are you two here?" "We have a mission" Sasuke said, desperately trying to regain his calm composure and "too cool for school" attitude that earned him all of those fan-girls. "Lady Tsunade wants us immediately" "Oh great, what does Grandma want now..?" Naruto mumbled. Tsunade wasn't really his grandma, he just called her that because she was so old, and that was just the relationship the two of them had.

"She wanted you too Hinata" Sakura said to her poor friend who was almost bursting with tears at what just happened "Okay," Hinata mumbled pathetically. She was SO embarrassed! She'd tried with all of her might to hide that one secret for years, and now she had ruined it. She just knew Naruto would never want to speak to her again. Naruto was trying to act like nothing had happened for Hinata's sake, but inside, he was freaking out! "_Oh man, it all makes sense now… The way she always blushes around me… The medicine she gave me at the chunin exams… That spy camera I found in my bedroom with "Property of Hinata Hyuuga" written on the side… What do I do now…? I mean… I've always had a crush on Sakura and I was finally starting to se some progress. Yesterday I told her she looked pretty and she didn't beat me up! She just accepted the compliment! But still, Hinata's really cute too… And if I find out this poor girl has a crush on me and I don't at least go on ONE date with her, what kind of ass does that make me? That settles it, after this mission, I'm going to ask Hinata out…_"

When Naruto and the others arrived at the Hokage mansion, they found Kakashi already there, as well as Hinata's squad of Kurenai-sensei, as well as Kiba and Shino, not to mention Kiba's dog Akamaru and the Hokage Tsunade herself. Kurenai was one of the most beautiful jonin in the hidden leaf village. She had long brown hair and red eyes. She also had an incredible body that was complemented by her robe that was revealing enough to be sexy, but not so much as to hinder her in battle or make her look like a slut. Like Hinata, Kiba wore a thick Eskimo-like coat, the purpose of which was to give his puppy Akamaru a place to sit. He had short, spiky hair that resembled Naruto's except his was brown and he had red face painting under his eyes to make him look fierce. Shino was a large contrast to Kiba. He wore a simple shirt and pants. He had long, spiky, black hair and sunglasses that covered his eyes. His mouth was covered by his shirt's abnormally large collar. The combination of these two things made Shino look very creepy, like someone you'd expect to see in a movie where a guy goes crazy and kills everyone with a chainsaw. Finally, sitting in her set, with her hands folded in her traditional manner was Tsunade. Though over 50, Tsunade used a special ninjutsu to make herself appear in her mid-20's. She had long, beautiful blonde hair that came down to her back in to long pig-tails. She wore a green jacket that had the Japanese symbol for good luck embroidered on the back. She also wore a jacket that could barely contain… what I mean is she had… well I think Jiraiya summed it up best when he pointed to her chest and said to Kakashi "106 centimeters… giggity giggity goo…"

"Good, everyone's finally here. This is an extremely difficult mission, so I'm sending teams 7 and 8 together to deal with it…" Tsunade began, "A group of extremely powerful ninja have been plaguing a small village north of here. We already tried sending Gai's team, but they came back bloodied and beaten, just barely alive and able to escape" "These guys beat Neji, TenTen, Bushy brow, and Super bushy-brow sensei!?" exclaimed Naruto in disbelief. "Yes, that's why we're sending two teams this time. We have reason to believe these ninja are in league with the hidden village's number 1 enemy Orochimaru, and if this is true, then the fact that they're so close is very disturbing…"

"Orochimaru!?" Naruto was fuming. Of all of the enemies he'd every faced, Orochimaru and his hidden sound ninja were the worst. Orochimaru was an evil ninja who looked a lot like Michael Jackson, except he was taller, had longer hair, and didn't have any wrinkles. Orochimaru was constantly trying to destroy the Hidden Leaf village and also trying to convince Sasuke to come and join him for reasons unknown. Orochimaru even came close to the first task in his last attempt, when he killed Tsunade's predecessor: the 3rd Hokage, who had been one of the only people to treat Naruto with kindness. Naruto wanted nothing more than to beat Orochimaru to a pulp, save the title of Hokage and a bowl of ramen.

"When do we head out!?" Naruto asked with rage and energy. "Immediately" replied Kakashi. And with that, the two teams set out to save the village.

_Yes, chapter 2 came out very nicely in my opinion. Chapter 3 will be out soon, rest assured. I only plan on making this about 5 or 6 chapters long, so if it gets longer than that, someone stop me so I can start writing my next piece. In the next chapter, Naruto comes face to face with his new enemies and right from the start, he's completely outclassed. It doesn't help that he's still distracted by the Hinata incident. What will happen!? Thanks for reading and God bless you all._


	3. Chapter 3: campsite drama

**Chapter 3: Campsite drama**

Naruto walked out of the village, turning back to get one last look at his home before setting out, in case he didn't see it for a while. Led by Kakashi, he, Sakura, Sasuke, Hinata, Kiba, and Shino were going to the nearby town of Otohanmaru (A/n: That's not actual Japanese, I just combined phrases to make something Japanese sounding. If that actually means something please tell me…) to drive out evil ninja plaguing the land. Now it was time to show what he was made of…

"Let's go! To the land of Otohanmaru! Believe it!!" Naruto declared confidently. His confidence was soon broken. "Stop saying 'believe it'…" Shino said in his usual monotonic droning… "But it's my catch-phrase… Believe it!!" "Naruto, if you say believe it one more time, I swear to god, I will kill you and bury you outside the village where no one will ever find you…" Kakashi replied irritably. "What's wrong with you Kakashi?" Sasuke asked innocently… "Jiraiya just killed off my favorite character in Make-out paradise…" He replied sadly. "Kakashi-sensei, don't you think you should stop reading those dirty books?" Sakura said semi-sweetly. Of course Inner-Sakura had something else to say, "_**DIRTY OLD MAN!! PUT DOWN THE PORN OR I'LL SMACK YOU DOWN!! CHA!!"**_ "Sakura, stop fantasizing about actually being strong enough to hurt me…" Kakashi replied back… "Burned!" Kiba shouted "Hey! I'm useful!!" Sakura complained. "Yeah, in Shippuden…" Shino replied. "Pooh…" Sakura moaned.

As the conversation finished between the extremely powerful ninja… and Naruto, "HEY!!" Some evil-doers of mal-intent listened very closely….

"'Evil-doers of mal-content'?"

Shut up…

"So, these are the new ninja sent out by the 5th Hokage…" said one shadowy figure. A second one replied, "They don't look like much…" "Looks can be deceiving," said a third, "They could be more trouble than they appear… I sense an odd chakra in the twerp wearing orange…" A fourth one, appearing to be female, stepped out and said, "The one in blue is kinda cute…" The first replied, "What are you talking about? His hair looks like a chicken's butt…" to which she said, "Yes, but it's a sexy chicken's butt…" Suddenly a great big shadow appeared. "Well," he said in a deep, dark sinister voice, meaning he was probably the leader, "You'll get a real close look in the morning when we attack…"

That night, the team was setting up for camp. Hinata was busy collecting firewood, when she felt a tap on her shoulder. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" She screamed in surprise. "Hinata-san, calm down, it's me." Hinata looked up in surprise to see her old friend. "Sakura-san… P-please don't sneak up on me…" "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Can I talk to you for a second?"

A good hour later, Hinata had finished explaining to Sakura what had happened at Ichiraku ramen. "Wow, I can't believe it…" Sakura forced out in disbelief. "We-well, as Naruto-kun would say…, 'believe it…' heh heh…" Hinata said, trying to use humor to make the situation less awkward. Sakura laughed weakly, knowing what Hinata must be going through. She felt the same way every time she made herself look foolish in front of Sasuke… which happened a lot… Sakura took Hinata in a warm, friendly embrace trying to make her friend feel better. Hinata, who, being the shy person that she was, was very uncomfortable with human contact, was taken aback at first, then returned the hug weakly. "Sakura-san?" she asked. "Hmm?" Sakura responded. "Thank you…" Hinata said, smiling sadly as she started to cry. Sakura smiled down at her friend and stroked her hair.

After about 20 minutes, Sakura said, "We should probably be getting back now." Hinata stood up and said, "Yes, of course." She was feeling much better now. Sakura was a good friend and Hinata really appreciated it. When they arrived back at camp, Kakashi was reading Make-out paradise, while Kiba hid in a tree desperately trying to see what was on the inside, along with Shino who had been dragged along for the ride. Sasuke was switching back and forth between staring passionately at Kiba's ass and yelling at the sky, "STOP IT!! I DON'T CARE WHAT THOSE FAN-GIRLS SAY!! I'M NOT GAY!!" Kurenai had, more or less, been written out of the story at this point, since no one really cares about her, and Naruto was sitting on a log, poking at the fire that had somehow been started before Hinata had brought back the fire wood.

'Hmm…' Naruto thought to himself, 'This is all so weird… Hinata has a secret crush on me… I wonder what else people have hid from me all these years… They hid her crush… they hid the Kyuubi… for all I know, I could be the son of the 4th Hokage!! Naah…' Suddenly, there was an explosion! The camp was completely destroyed and all of the people in it were killed instantly in a horrible, bloody disaster… As this happened, Kakashi watched and said, "Wow, good thing that was the camp next to us…" The bloody, half-dead ninja Shikamaru crawled over to Kakashi and said, "Tell my mother…

How… troublesome…" and then died… Suddenly, 4 ninja appeared in the remains of the camp.

"Damn it Ryuk!" One started, "You blew up the wrong camp!" "It's not my fault Genjii!" Ryuk replied, "You just said blow up the camp with the ninjas! You should have been more specific!!" Looking rather indignant, Ryuk complained, "Well, Haruka is the one who's in charge of keeping track of the specifics, she should've said something!!" "Don't blame this on Haruka!!" said the third man, "You're the one who failed to be specific! It's not her fault!" "Hey Uohime, If you'd stop being so love-sick for a minute, you'd notice the targets are looking right at us…" "Oh, oops…"

"Hey! What are you guys doing!! You just killed Shikamaru, Ino, and Chouji!! Do you know how important they are to the plot!?" Naruto shouted "They aren't important to the plot baka!!" Sasuke replied. "Yes they are," Naruto objected. "Shikamaru defeated Tayuya! And Chouji beat Lard-ass…" "First off," Sasuke began, "Temari beat Tayuya. Second, his name is Jirobo, not Lard-ass… Third, beating Lard-ass 

isn't that much of an accomplishment. We can just have Shino do it…" "But if we have Shino do it, we won't learn about Chouji's painful past…" Naruto complained. "No one cares about Chouji's painful past dobe!!" Sasuke yelled. "I DO!!" Naruto shouted. "Who cares about you. Polls show I'm the most popular character in this show. I'm even more popular than you, and you're the title character!! I get more character development and have cooler fights. They might as well call this show 'Sasuke'" "You're only more popular because of all the hormone-crazed fan-girls who wouldn't care if you set their dog on fire. And 90 of Naruto fans think you're an arrogant douche-bag!!" Naruto screamed. "I AM AN ARROGANT DOUCHE-BAG!!" Sasuke bellowed (A/N: I have such a vocabulary…)

"This could take a while folks…" Sakura said, facing the camera, "God bless you all, we don't own Naruto and we'll see you next chapter."

_Next Time! The ninja showdown begins! I know I said this last time, but I decided to have a little friendship/comfort between Hinata and Sakura and that took too much time for me to add the fight. Besides, I need to think of some cool jutsu for the henchmen and main bad guy… However, I'm not even going to start writing the next chapter until I get at least 1 review… Dem's de breaks…_


	4. Chapter 4: this chapter title is 2 long

Chapter 4: Let the ultra-super-hyper-ninja-battle of the century begin!!

"Okay, so we can at least agree that Shikamaru is important to the plot," Naruto said. "Yes, so long as you agree that Ino is essentially useless, though not as useless as Sakura," Sasuke said in reply. "Deal! Okay, so who are you freaks and why did you attack us!?" Naruto exclaimed, shifting his attention to the new ninja enemies. Haruka was the first to speak, "We are rogue ninja from Dichaskagure" "I don't believe I've heard of that village. Which one is that?" Kakashi asked, not looking up from his book." This time Genjii spoke, saying, "It's The Village hidden in the ass of George Bush" "Yeesh!! I bet smells nice in there!!" Kiba yelled sarcastically. This brought forth Ryuk. "The smells bad, but we didn't leave because of that." Uohime stepped up and said, "We left because every couple days or so, the village would get attacked by some giant hand." "A-a d-de-demon?" Hinata stuttered. "No, Dick Cheney operating Bush like a puppet" Ryuk answered. "You should've known better than to attack leaf-village shinobi…" Shino droned monotonously. "HA! Leaf village shinobi… so weak… just like those 4 we took down 3 days ago…" Haruka laughed evilly. "Wait, YOU'RE the rogue ninja who beat bushy brow and his squad!?" Naruto cried out in surprise. "Of course they are dobe…" Sasuke said. "Shut up Teme!!" Naruto said in rebuttal. "Um, guys. Not the time…" Kakashi warned his students. The hidden-ass ninja were coming closer.

"See ya!" Kiba said. "You're not gonna help!?" Sakura screamed in surprise. "Not really. We're not really the author's favorite characters. Mostly because he thinks that I'm boring and Kiba's an asshole…" Shino said once more. "Yeah, we're gonna go to wherever Kurenai-sensei went." Kiba added. "Eh, don't worry guys, it's 4 on 4." Sasuke said, attempting to calm his squad. "Eh, there are 5 of us Sasuke-kun," Sakura replied. "Yeah, but you suck," Sasuke replied, "Why don't you just go sit on a flag-pole and let the useful characters handle this?" "Tee-hee. He's so dreamy" Sakura muttered to herself as she skipped off to find a flag-pole.

Suddenly, Haruka lunged at Sasuke with a kunai, but he leapt up in the air, spun, and did a vertical roundhouse kick to her face, sending her flying. As soon as his feet were on the ground again he instantly gained momentum in her direction. She pulled out two shuriken and threw them. Instantly, Sasuke jumped in the air, spun around, pulled out a kunai, slashed at the shuriken defensively, dropped the kunai, landed right in front of her, and delivered a powerful uppercut to her face. As Haruka flew into the air, she began making hand signs. Sasuke instantly began making hand-signs as well.

"Wind style: Tornado fist jutsu!!"

"Fire Style: Fireball jutsu!!"

Sasuke sent a fireball straight up at Haruka. However, she punched down at it, releasing a tornado which dispersed the flames and hit Sasuke dead on, smashing him into the ground. Haruka then used another tornado fist jutsu to propel her toward Sasuke, but he was ready. As she tried to smash her foot into his ribs, He quickly rolled to the 

side and spin kicked her fist, knocking her off balance and sending her into a tree. She stood up and began making hand signs. Once again, Sasuke followed.

"Earth style: giant rock smash jutsu"

"Chidori!!"

Instantly, a giant square piece of rock shot up from the ground and began flying at Sasuke. Unfortunately for her, his chidori cut through it like tissue paper, before connecting with her chest, killing her instantly. "Oh yeah, I'm bad-ass…"

Sasuke turned around to see that the rest of the team had begun engaging the enemy ninja. Hinata was currently involved in a duel with Ryuk, who seemed to have some power over shadows. In fact, that looked a lot like Nara clan style ninjutsu. Hinata charged at Ryuk with her Byakugan activated. As she neared Ryuk, he made his hand-signs and said "Dancing Shadows Jutsu!!" Instantly, his shadow came alive and split in two. The two shadows began punching Hinata in the face mercilessly, as she bent down with her hands over her head. Down, but not out, she suddenly started spinning and yelled "Rotation!!" The sudden burst of chakra cut through the shadows, destroying them. 'When did Hinata learn rotation?' the reader asked themselves. Hinata replied "Shut up!" as she tried to strike Ryuk, but she was having a lot of trouble, as Ryuk appeared to be a contortionist. Every time it looked like she had him, he bent himself into an odd shape, dodging her attack then kicking her in the chest. Little did he know, Hinata had a strategy. Suddenly, he couldn't move. Hinata had tricked him into wrapping himself around a tree. She then struck him in the chest and face with Gentle style taijutsu. Now, half of the battle was won.

Meanwhile, Kakashi and Genjii were just standing around and staring at each other. At the start of the battle, Kakashi had caught Genjii with his sharingan and had sent him to genjutsu land. What Kakashi hadn't known was that, true to his name, Genjii was a genjutsu fighter and they were now having a mental battle. First Kakashi made it look as though Genjii's allies had turned on him. However, Genjii immediately realized it was an illusion and dispersed the illusion. He then created a prison around Kakashi. It took all of Kakashi's strength to release that jutsu. He then used his genjutsu skills to make the text of a NaruSasu yaoi fan fic scroll in front of Genjii's face. The disturbing mental images were too much for Genjii to bear and he passed out.

The only ninja left were Naruto and Uohime. Uohime used a nearby lake for "Water style: Water dragon jutsu" Naruto quickly leapt out of the way and countered with 7 shadow clones. The first two clones charged at Uohime, but Uohime spun around with a spinning double chop dispersing the clones at a speed almost too fast to be seen. However, a third Naruto clone used the after-smoke as a cover as he launched himself at Uohime with a flying-side kick which hit Uohime square in the face, knocking him into the air. As Uohime flew towards a tree, he quickly spun in the air, hitting the tree with his feet and using the rebound force to launch himself at Naruto. As he flew, he made hand-signs and screamed, "Ninja art: Shark bite jutsu!!" Uohime suddenly grew massive fangs 

as he tore through the remaining Naruto clones and suddenly sank his teeth into Naruto's neck, causing him to scream in pain. Suddenly, a gun-shot was heard and Uohime had a massive bullet-hole in his head. Naruto turned to see his savior. "Who are you?" The man standing there was a really big, muscular dude. His had a gold chain with a medallion reading "Born to kick ass" He had a ak-47 for a hand and a gold tooth. "My name is encyser. I'm the only person who reviewed this story and the only reason there's another chapter I just showed up so everyone can see that I'm the pinnacle of awesomeness." The man stated matter-of-factly. "Wow, Encyser-sama, you sure do kick a lot of ass." Naruto stated in awe. "I know… I gotta go now… I left my anvil lying around somewhere and I've gotta go find it… bye…" Encyser said as he walked away. (A/N: I really, really hope encyser is a dude. It didn't say on his profile, so I'm just assuming from the abundant amount of anime he said he liked that I, a man, do like. Yeah, I'm betting the rest of you are wishing you reviewed now, aren't you?)

Once, the battle was over, Kakashi drew his headband down and said, "Okay. Mission accomplished." "Yeah! Let's go home and get some ramen!!" Naruto squealed in joy. "Is the fighting over?" Sakura said nervously from inside a bush, "Can I come out now?" "sigh yes…" Sasuke replied… "Oh Sasuke-kun! You were so cool! Cha!!" Sakura said as she tackled him to the ground, smothering him in hormonal love. As she did this, Sasuke thought to himself, 'I wonder if Orochimaru will still let me join him…'

Naruto rubbed his shoulders where Uohime had bitten him. He was still bleeding pretty bad and he knew he had to get it treated before it got infected. Luckily, Hinata probably had some medicine- Hinata!! He'd almost forgotten her completely. He still needed to ask her out. At least this gave him an excuse to talk to her and break the awkwardness. "Hey Hinata-chan, do you have any medicine on you?" he asked. "Y-yes N-N-Naruto-kun." She said as she began to administer the medicine, "Naruto-kun, I'm sorry for yelling… what I yelled at Ichiraku… It's just that I've always admired you Naruto-kun. Your life was so hard, but you never gave up. You never stopped believing in yourself, in your dream. You were so strong and confident, everything I wasn't. I wanted t be like you so much. I idolized you, but more than that… I love you Naruto-kun." Naruto couldn't help but blush, "I'm really flattered Hinata-chan. You've always been so kind to me and you've always been one of my best friend. I'd love to go on a date with you when we get back to the village…" "R-Really!?" Hinata asked in disbelief. "Yeah, believe it! And you know, I think you have gotten as strong and confident as me…" "Wh-what makes you say that?" "You told me all of that without blushing, stuttering, or fainting once," he said, casting a foxy grin in her direction. Hinata gasped in realization. Then she lost all control again. But this time, it didn't make an awkward situation. She began to laugh and cry at the same time as she pulled Naruto into a big, loving hug, which shocked him at first, but slowly, he returned it, holding her tight and laughing alongside her.

'Things are going to be different now,' she thought, 'things are going to be a lot better…' Somehow reading her mind, Naruto said, "You bet they will…" Suddenly, A great figure leapt from the trees and into the midst of the ninja. The figure was easily 8 feet tall and extremely muscular. He had a big beard and dual axes tied to his back. On 

his head was a ninja forehead protected with the symbol of an ass in the center with a scratch through it. As Naruto looked at him he realized something. If this enemy was important enough to the plot to actually have his appearance described, they were probably in trouble. Sasuke didn't care though. He'd gotten through an entire chapter without a gay impulse. Then he noticed this ninja wasn't wearing a shirt, allowing his great pectoral muscle and six-pack abs to show… "DAMN IT!!"

_Poor Sasuke. And yes, I stand by what I said in the description. There are no pairings in this fic, despite what just happened between Naruto and Hinata. Next time, the gang meets the leader of the rogue ninja from the village hidden in George Bush's ass. But this guy is so strong; he was actually a former ass-kage. Who can stand up to him? Only a future Hokage. If only we had one of those lying around wink wink Until next time, take care and God bless you all._


	5. Chapter 5: The climax I'm perverted

Chapter 5: The Climax!! I'm a pervert…

Naruto stared in awe of his new opponent, glistening in the sun. He had a feeling the date with Hinata was going to be a ways off. Finally, the large ninja spoke in a dark, menacing, Darth Vader-like voice, "So, you are the ninja who defeated my henchmen… you won't find me as easy to defeat… I was a former ass-kage in the village hidden in George Bush's ass". "If you were an ass-kage, how did you end up a rogue ninja?" Sakura asked. "Well, I kind of become ass-kage by killing my predecessor then forging a note in his hand-writing saying I was the new ass-kage and people didn't take too kindly to that…" he replied. "Now you face the wrath of the greatest ninja ever!! I am Norris Chuck!!" "Norris Chuck?" asked Kakashi. "Shut up…" replied Norris Chuck.

"Stand back children," Kakashi said, "I'll handle this… Sharingan!!" Kakashi lunged at Norris Chuck with a powerful spinning roundhouse kick in mid-air, but Norris Chuck blocked it with a single hand, then, using his free hand, grabbed Kakashi's leg and tossed him into a tree, which split in half like a tooth pick. Kakashi immediately stood up and used "Fire style: Grand Fireball Jutsu". However, Norris Chuck used "Ass-style: Bean Burrito no jutsu". An enormous burst of gas spewed forth from Norris Chuck, reaching Kakashi just as the fireball left his person. Kakashi was just barely able to dodge the explosion. He then countered with another jutsu. "Lightning Blade!!" Kakashi flew at Norris Chuck at near light speed, his right arm blazing with electrical energy. Norris Chuck then made several hand signs and yelled "Water style: Water barrier no jutsu!!" Instantly, the nearby lake sprung forth and froze into a shield in front of Norris Chuck, protecting him from Kakashi's attack. Norris Chuck then used "Water Style: Water prison jutsu" to trap Kakashi in a wonder ball, much like Zabuza did. "Aw man, why does this keep happening to me. Groan Now, I've gotta listen to this guy sing again," Kakashi whined as he pulled out his CD "The rower's greatest hits" and proceeded to listen to "I like a rowin'". "If I could tear off my ears, I would…" He moaned… (A/N: Never seen Naruto abridged? Then get the &#&! Off my story and go watch it on youtube!!)

"Kakashi-sensei!!" Naruto screamed. Sasuke leapt into action. "Feel the wrath of my ultimate technique!! I've been saving this for someone special!! Ninja art!! Perverted yaoi fangirl no jutsu!!" Sasuke then did unspeakable things to Norris Chuck who screamed at him, "You fool!! I'm gay!! Little did you realize I would enjoy this!!" Sasuke then screamed, "NOOOOOOOOO!! Wait… you're gay? GAH!! I HATE THIS STORY SO MUCH!!" Norris Chuck then grabbed Sasuke and slammed him into the ground.

Alright, this doesn't look good," Naruto began, "but at least I have Hinata and Sakura to help. Right girls? Girls?" Naruto then looked back to see that Sakura and Hinata had fainted from watching Perverted yaoi fangirl no jutsu. "Well, it looks like it's up to me…" "Fool!! You cannot defeat an ass-kage!!" "Shows what you know!! I'm the future Hokage pal!! I'm not gonna lose to some creep who crawled out of the American president's anal cavity!!"

Naruto then launched at Norris Chuck. He attempted to hit him with a spinning back-fist, but Norris Chuck blocked it, sending Naruto flying. Naruto then tried to counter with a roundhouse kick to the ribs, but Norris Chuck dodged. Naruto then used shadow clone jutsu and hit Norris Chuck with Naruto Uzumaki barrage. But just when it looked like Naruto had won, Norris Chuck crawled from his little crater unscathed and knocked Naruto against a tree, then used water prison jutsu on him. Naruto countered the prison by using multi shadow clone jutsu to create too many clones for the prison to contain. He then tried to use Naruto Uzumaki barrage of 1000 fists, but before the fists could connect, Norris Chuck used bean burrito no jutsu to blow them all away. Naruto fell to the ground with a resounding thud. Slowly, he got up, fighting the over-whelming pain. "Now, little ninja! It's time for you to die!!" Norris Chuck shouted making many dark hand signs. "This is my ultimate attack! Pit of death no jutsu!!" Suddenly, he and Naruto were standing in a very Greek looking city. Naruto couldn't understand what happened and said, "What have you done? This is madness…" "Madness?" Norris Chuck asked. "THIS IS SPARTA!!" he screamed as he kicked Naruto into a giant pit of death that was not there two seconds ago and didn't really seem to serve any purpose in a society other than to kick people into. "I win…" Norris Chuck said; suddenly he was back in the forest with Hinata and Sakura, who had come to. "Now it's your turn…"

Hinata started to cry. She couldn't believe how unfair it was. She finally got a date with Naruto and now she was going to die. She couldn't take it anymore. "Naruto-kun… Please… I'm not strong enough… I need you… NARUTO-KUN!!"

Naruto was floating in darkness. He couldn't hear anything. He couldn't see anything. He couldn't feel anything. All he could feel was a sense of failure. Suddenly, he heard something. "NARUTO-KUN!!" Hinata! She was in danger. He'd just found out she loved him. He couldn't let her down. He had to protect her. Suddenly, he felt a familiar power come over him. He could feel an extreme heat inside him, which was seeping out of him. He could feel his eyes burn. Parts of his cheeks felt like they were tearing. He could feel his muscles pulsating with new strength. All of his wounds instantly healed and his nails grew into beast like claws. Now he was rising, flying at incredible speed. He could see light. More importantly, he could see Hinata.

"Now then, little ones, it's time to die!" Norris Chuck yelled as he raised his duel axes. It was time to finish this. Suddenly, the ground started shaking. "No, it's impossible… no one has ever escaped from the pit of death no jutsu…" Just then, Naruto burst up out of the ground and delivered a swift uppercut to Norris's face, sending him up into the air. Naruto then suddenly changed direction, flying up above Norris Chuck. Naruto delivered a powerful axe kick to Norris's ribs, sending him flying into the ground. Norris got up and spun around, only to find Naruto waiting for him with a single shadow clone, preparing his ultimate jutsu. A bright glowing orb formed in Naruto's hand, and Norris could only watch in horror as Naruto slammed it into his chest.

"RASENGAN!!"

Norris had never felt pain like this before. A hot burning ball was disintegrating his skin, while tearing his insides apart with a spiraling force. Suddenly he was sent flying 50 yards away. Naruto looked at him when he finally came to a halt. The former ass-kage was dead.

Naruto felt himself revert back to normal. He looked at Kakashi and Sasuke, who were both just fine now. He then spun around to see Hinata and Sakura running at him full force for a hug. As Hinata pulled away from him, she looked into his eyes. As she gazed into those big, blue pools of purity and innocence, she knew she had never been more in love with him. Naruto looked back into her eyes and said, "Hinata, while I was in that void. I thought I was never going to see the leaf again. I thought I was doomed. Then I heard you cry out to me and that gave me the strength to escape. I realized something right then and there… Hinata… I love yo-" Naruto was cut off by a loud, slamming noise. He felt an incredible pain in his head and he fell over unconscious. Suddenly Encyser appeared again. "Ah-ha! That's where I left my anvil!!" He then grabbed his anvil and walked off.

When Naruto came to, he was in the Hidden leaf hospital with Tsunade and all of his teammates surrounding him, even the bushy brow squad and the Shikamaru squad, which was apparently not dead. "What happened?" he asked. "You got seriously hurt on your mission when an anvil landed on your head." Tsunade answered. "Are you alright Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked, worried about her soon-to-be-boyfriend. "Yeah, I'm fine, but I don't remember going on a mission." Hinata just stared at him. "You- You what?" "Yeah," Naruto answered, "Last I remember, I was at Ichiraku with you. You were really chowing down. Ha! Ha!" "S-so y-you don't remember anything that happened since then?" she asked, not believing what she was hearing. "Pretty much. Did anything interesting happen?" Hinata suddenly somehow blushed and grew pale at the same time. "Um-uh-er- no. N-Nothing Naruto-kun" **"CHA!! I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BAD LUCK!! THIS IS THE WORST FAN-FICTION EVER!! #(& YOU SUPERLARDBUCKET!! I'LL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!" **screamed inner-Hinata, making her first appearance ever. "Oh well, I'm sure I kicked major butt. Right guys?" "Eh, not really dobe, you more or less just got in the way…" Sasuke said mockingly. "SHUT UP SASUKE-TEME!!" Naruto screamed in retaliation. Just then, since it wouldn't be Naruto with a flashback, Hinata remembered her confidence in telling Naruto about how she felt about him. She summoned some of that confidence for an incredibly difficult task. "Don't listen to Sasuke, Naruto-kun," She said, "You were very brave." She then kissed him on the cheek, leaving him blushing. She left the room smiling, skipping almost, then she fainted the second Naruto couldn't see her anymore.

The end

_Aww, I love happy ending. So, review now and I may make a sequel, "Go &# yourself no jutsu…" God bless guys. Later._


	6. Chapter 6: fun facts

_Hey everyone. I'd like to thank you all for reading BS no jutsu. Just to show my appreciation of your fanliness, I'm going to share a few fun facts about the story_

BS no jutsu fun facts

BS no jutsu is Superlardbucket's first fanfiction, but he has experience writing due to his youtube series "SuperJames". Though SuperJames is only just now about to reach episode 6, 2 and a half seasons have already been written, as well as a movie which comes out halfway through season 2.

All of Norris Chuck's henchmen are named after anime characters (Haruka- Love Hina, Ryuk- Death Note, Genjii- I forget) except for Uohime, who is one of the henchmen of the main villain of SuperJames. His name is Japanese for Fish-princess.

Superlardbucket's partner in crime, Southpaw079, warned him not to write fanfiction, since it is beneath a writer with an original story to write using the characters of others. The story was continued without his knowledge and he does not know of its existence even today.

The NaruHina subplot was inspired by a web-comic in which Hinata screams at Naruto "When I think of you, I touch myself!!" and Naruto responds, "Me too…"

Naruto is the name of a kind of cracker served with ramen.

Though this fanfiction portrays Sasuke as being gay, the author actually thinks he's a douche bag.

There is not actually a ninja-village hidden in George Bush's anal cavity. There is one, however, in Scooter Libby's belly button.

Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. BS no jutsu is a parody/fanfiction and nothing more, so please support the official release.

Naruto abridged is one of the greatest youtube series ever.

In the event that I decide to write a sequel to this, the government has 10 men hiding in my basement, ready to shoot me.

I love all of my fans.


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